


Remembrance

by LLAP_JC



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Chakotay Needs a Hug, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I know it's cliche but I had to write it down, Injury, shuttle crash, they're in love okay, this came to me in a dream
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24803536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LLAP_JC/pseuds/LLAP_JC
Summary: "She didn’t remember anything. She didn’t remember the attack, or why they were in the Delta Quadrant, or even her own crew. She didn’t remember a damn thing, and he couldn’t face it, because it was his own damn fault."Kathryn and Chakotay take a shuttle mission together that nearly ends in tragedy. When she wakes up and her memory is seemingly shattered, it's up to Chakotay to pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	Remembrance

No matter how much time she spent in the expanse of space, and no matter how many beautiful things she saw as the captain of a starship, Kathryn would always miss Indiana sunsets. The light from the viewscreen was dim but star-studded, and though she yearned for home, she nonetheless stared in awe at the massive expanse of a vibrant pink nebula in front of them, the massive cloud shifting and twisting into some of the most beautiful images she’d seen so far in their 5-year-long journey. The colors instantly reminded her of summer evenings spent on her family’s porch watching the clouds roll by in the evening, and she felt somehow more at peace than she had in...she didn’t even know how long. Perhaps it was the fact that she hadn’t had any sleep yet on this particular away mission, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the blinding color and mesmerizing motion of the cloud that stood about 200 kilometers from their current position.

“Slow to impulse, Commander. We’ve arrived at our destination.”

“Aye, Captain,” a soft voice behind her replied. It broke her out of her homesick reverie, and she quickly turned to face him. She noticed his voice was lower than usual, and his eyes were half-shut; he was exhausted. “Would you like us to start intensive scans?”

Kathryn considered her first officer’s query for a short moment. She raised her brow and shot him a small, sympathetic smile before she gave her answer. “No. I think we should get some sleep, Commander. You’re absolutely exhausted, and frankly so am I.” She watched as he smiled gently and yawned, proving her assumption to be correct. “Computer, raise shields.”

The computer quickly acknowledged the command, and the shuttle’s shields were instantly deployed. Kathryn soon followed Chakotay’s lead, yawning audibly as she stretched her arms behind her head and leaned back in her seat at the helm. They’d been traveling for close to fourteen hours at warp five, with neither of them stopping to get any rest. This had been a two-person away mission; Voyager could not afford to be without more than two officers due to recent damage made by contact with yet another disgruntled resident of the Delta quadrant, and while it was a last-minute decision for Kathryn to take her first officer, she was glad she’d made it; both of them had been long overdue for some time off, and while this was technically a mission, it was a routine fly-by and scan of a nebula that could give them some resources useful in repairing and sustaining the ship and its crew. She thought it would be good for the both of them to get away from the ship and discuss their crew and the general business of Voyager separate from the confines of her quarters, and most of all, away from Starfleet duty and protocol.

She slowly stood from her seat and stretched upwards, shutting her eyes and letting her exhaustion take over. She slumped forward and rolled her shoulders as she addressed her first officer once again. “How are you holding up, Commander?”

“I’ve felt better,” he admitted, standing as well and placing his hands on his hips as he stretched his back. “But I think I’ll be fine once I get some rest. Why on Earth did we decide to take on this mission again?”

“Because,” Kathryn laughed, walking towards him and playfully punching his arm. “We both needed to get away from dinners in my quarters and get some ‘fresh air’, so to speak. I think at this point, we have most certainly earned it.” Chakotay chuckled at that. “What?” she challenged.

“You thought we were too confined in your quarters, so you wanted us to spend time on a cramped shuttle?” he joked, crossing his arms. “Good thinking.”

“Shut up,” she whispered, rolling her eyes and heading for the back of the cockpit. She was shocked at her own willingness to slip into familiarity with him; it must be the long hours, she thought. The door slid open and she leaned against the edge for a moment before turning around and flashing a smirk. “At least we don’t have to worry about Harry calling us both from the bridge at three in the morning over some anomaly or another.”

“Fair enough,” he conceded, lifting his arms up into the air and laughing. “Goodnight, Captain. I’ll be back there in a minute.”

“Goodnight, Commander,” Kathryn said softly. She heard the door hiss closed behind her as she hastily peeled off her Starfleet uniform, slipped on her pajama shorts and a t-shirt, and slid into bed. It had been a very, very long time since she’d been so elated to get into bed and get some sleep. Fourteen hours of uninterrupted travel reminded her too much of the long hours of training she’d had as a cadet. It certainly wasn’t the longest she’d gone without sleep, but somehow in the cramped space of the Delta Flyer, the annoyance and stress of long hours spent at work were exacerbated. It also reminded her too much of home, of the cross-country trips she had taken with family and friends in her younger years; the thought of such memories made her chest ache, and so she dismissed it from her mind, trying to think of the mountains of PADDs and repair measures she’d have to look over and approve when they returned to their ship.

Eventually lost in her forced thoughts, Kathryn started drifting to sleep. Halfway immersed in a dream, a loud bang and a jolt of the ship shocked her awake and nearly threw her from the small bed. She heard what vaguely sounded like Chakotay screaming her name, and she ran out into the main cabin, only to be jolted to the side once again as the ship was hit. She fell sideways, slamming into a console and gripping the side to regain her bearings as she lowered herself into a chair. The red alert lights and alarms quickly flooded her senses as she sat up in the chair and stared intently at the console screen in front of her. _Weapons fire? What is that?_

“It’s some sort of cosmic storm,” Chakotay answered, though he seemed hesitant in his assessment. She realized then that she had been speaking aloud. “But I can’t see it...it’s jamming our sensors. Kathryn, get away from the console.”

Kathryn trusted him, standing and carefully backing away from the console, noticing what felt like a static shock in the air. She felt it on her skin and saw the hair on her arms stand up. Before she could think on this, the ship was rocked and tilted once again, harder than before, the force throwing them both into the space underneath the front console. He grabbed her arm and turned to face her as she tended to her leg; she must have strained the muscle on the way down, and she tried to soothe it as Chakotay spoke again.

“Are you alright?”

She quickly nodded in the affirmative, standing up slowly and helping Chakotay to his feet. She felt that same electricity in the air again and shivered. She stared at him, his eyes wide with fear but somehow grounded, and she stared at him for a while to calm herself before snapping back out of it. She gripped onto both of his upper arms for a brief moment and took a deep breath. “We have to get through this storm. I’m taking helm control, you take tactical. Go!”

He stared at her for only another tiny moment before furrowing his brow, nodding his head and freeing himself from her grip to rush to his position. She hobbled towards the front of the shuttle and sat down at the helm, but as she tried to redirect their course, she realized that the navigational systems were jammed.

“This must be one hell of a storm...why on Earth can’t we see it? What the hell?!”

“I don’t know,” Chakotay replied, frantically trying to scan the area. “But it doesn’t look like a dark matter storm. This is a whole different animal.”

Kathryn looked out the viewscreen and tried to make sense of the seemingly invisible force that was jostling their ship. It felt physical and rough; something was grabbing and shaking the hull as though it were a child’s toy. She squinted and scanned the entire expanse of the screen, but she could see nothing in front of them at all, other than the nebula and the stars. She paused for a moment to look at her console, the display glitching and out of order. A thought occurred to her as she felt the ship shift again. “Chakotay, could it be some kind of lifeform?”

“I don’t know,” he responded, his voice desperate. “But there’s a lot of energy coming from it...electrical energy. There’s damage to the outer hull, almost as if it’s been crushed, but there’s nothing that’s visible to the naked eye or to sensors. It’s...behaving like an electric force wrapped around the hull of the ship…” Suddenly, his voice grew low and serious. Kathryn turned to face him, raising her brow and tilting her head as he said, “Kathryn, get away from the console.”

“I can’t, I have to get us the hell out of here!”

“Kathryn, now -- !” A tingling in her head, a blinding flash of light, and a sharp, indescribably intense pain were the last things Kathryn Janeway would be aware of before she fell to the ground, hitting her head hard on the way down. She heard a vague whispering in her ear, or maybe it was screaming, before she felt strong hands lifting her up and darkness wrapping around her.

=/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\=

_Day 3 after the crash_

Three days. It had been three days since their shuttle mission and he hadn’t slept soundly since.

Voyager had found their shuttle in about an hour since the initial attack, most likely due to the distress call that Chakotay had managed to send out. The Delta Flyer was broken and mangled nearly beyond repair, though Tom was optimistic it would be fine with a little bit of TLC, as he’d put it. Chakotay had managed to get both he and the Captain into escape pods, and he’d tried desperately for the few minutes before they were forced to evacuate to stop the bleeding from Kathryn’s head wound. She’d fallen in such a way that she’d hit the back of her skull on the side of the console, and the blood pooling beneath her had rendered him unable to breathe or think about anything else other than trying to _stop the fucking bleeding._

Some sort of electrical surge from the helm had shot through her entire body, and he’d watched helplessly as she convulsed and choked out a scream before she fell. Her body went completely limp after the impact to her head, and it was a few moments before the ship’s movement calmed enough so that he could get to her. Seeing her there, laying on the ground with blood starting to trickle down her neck and onto the floor made his head spin and his heart drop to his stomach. He screamed her name and shook her frantically for what seemed like hours, trying to get her to wake up, please wake up, Kathryn, please! Her face was pale, brow still furrowed from the initial shock and pain, and his vision blurred from the tears as he stood to send a distress call to Voyager, and to carry his injured Captain to an escape pod and get her the hell out of there.

Chakotay shook his head to get rid of the memories flashing through his brain, sitting up in bed, and blurting out a command to the computer. “Lights at 50%.” He blinked while his eyes adjusted to the light in his quarters, and picked up a hypospray from his side table that the doctor had given him hours before. _Use this if you can’t sleep, Commander. It’ll do the trick. And come see me if the restlessness continues; this ship needs you_.

“She needs her Captain,” Chakotay said softly, shaking his head in defeat as he administered the hypospray. Laying back down and turning the lights down again, he laid his arm over his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He wasn’t an outwardly emotional man, but on this night, it was too damn much for him to hide from. He cried, his chest heaving as he held his head in his hands. Because in the three days since their return to Voyager, he hadn’t gone to visit Kathryn in sickbay. He hadn’t sent word to her, or spoken to her, or even relayed a message through the Doctor. He couldn’t bring himself to see his own Captain, because she didn’t remember.

She didn’t remember anything. She didn’t remember the attack, or why they were in the Delta Quadrant, or even her own crew. She didn’t remember a damn thing, and he couldn’t face it, because it was his own damn fault.

=/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\=

Kathryn slowly opened her eyes in the blindingly bright light of the room. Vague shapes started to materialize around her as her vision adjusted, and she realized upon noticing an array of what resembled test tubes that she must be in a sickbay. She had to close her eyes and reopen them a few times to adjust to the light, her blurry vision eventually settling on a man in a science uniform standing to her right, seemingly performing tests.

Suddenly, through half-lidded eyes, she watched him turn to face her and smile. “Captain. You’re awake. How do you feel? Not well, I imagine, but I hope the painkillers are doing their job.”

Kathryn sat up on her elbows, blinking her eyes completely open and looking around, eventually coming to stare directly at the man in front of her. Before she could process much else, she felt a dull but intense pain in the back of her neck, and, grimacing, moved to grab at it.

“No! No no,” the man said firmly, moving to take her hand away from the area. “That’s still going to be a bit sensitive; you’ve had quite the fall, Captain. You’ll need to avoid contact with that area until all of the bruising heals unless you want a splitting headache for the next couple of days.”

Kathryn sat back and eventually leaned on her hands, still staring ahead at the science officer in front of her. “Captain? What the hell are you talking about?”

At that, the officer’s expression neutralized, growing somewhat somber in nature. She tilted her head and furrowed her brow, wanting to comfort him but not sure how to, since she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. She wasn’t even quite sure why she cared for his feelings at all; after all, she’d just met him, hadn’t she? Her head twinged with a sharp pain very suddenly, and she groaned softly, holding her forehead in her right hand.

The man spoke as she eventually hid her head in her hands, trying to shield her eyes from the lights above and around her.

“You...don’t remember, Captain?”

She shook her head minutely a couple of times before moving to look at him again, closing one eye and blurting out a command to the computer: “Lights at thirty percent.”

“Well, at least you remember starship basics,” the officer said offhandedly as the lights dimmed, and she watched him through one opened eye as he walked away and set down the hypospray he had been carrying. He looked older than she was, and she felt somewhat intimidated by his presence. A doctor? she thought as he returned to her, having picked up a different hypospray on the way back to her biobed. His brow was decidedly furrowed in concern this time as he administered the spray; she flinched and gripped the sides of the bed, now thoroughly confused.

“What should I remember?” she said softly, her mind swimming with thoughts she couldn’t slow down, images she couldn’t make out. She felt suddenly dizzy and leaned forward into his waiting hands, which helped her lay down on the bed once again. She flinched, grabbing his hands off of her but lying back carefully.

“I’m not here to hurt you, Captain. I’m the doctor, remember?”

“Doctor? You’re not Voyager’s doctor...Voyager’s doctor --”

“Died,” the man finished, now seeming to go pale. “He died, about five years ago when we were first flung into the Delta Quadrant.”

Kathryn’s heart jumped to her throat, her next words catching as she fought to get them out. “Delta Quadrant? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Captain…” the doctor began, placing his hand on her shoulder, but she ripped it away and sat up on the heels of her hands once again.

“No, what the HELL are you talking about?!” she spat, jumping up off of the bed. She regretted this action quickly as her vision left her, her mind going blank as she steadied herself on a bulkhead. It took a couple of minutes for the self-proclaimed doctor to help her up onto the biobed once again. Her limbs went nearly numb as she tried to process the world around her.

“Captain Janeway...we’re in the Delta Quadrant. The Caretaker brought us here, right after we began our mission to capture - “

“A Maquis vessel,” Kathryn recalled, finally starting to grasp something familiar. She sighed as she laid her head back in defeat. “I was briefed about a Maquis vessel with my chief of security on it; he was supposed to report to me…” she whispered, her memory starting to slip from her grasp once again. She covered her face with her hands, not sure if she was blocking out the already dim light or trying to hide her own uncertainty. “Captain...what do you remember?” Kathryn thought for a few moments, her mouth opening once before she shut it again, unsure of what she was going to say. “I...I don’t know. I remember...being assigned to Voyager...as a Captain,” she gasped out, one hand covering her mouth. “I am a Captain…”

“Yes, you are,” the doctor repeated to her, and she heard him sigh softly. “What else?”

“I…” she started but closed her mouth again.

“It’s alright, take your time.”

She took the doctor up on that, thinking for a few minutes before giving her response. He waited patiently at her side.

“I...remember learning about my ship. Her specs, her class - Intrepid. Her officers...I don’t remember all of them…”

“That’s alright. Who do you remember?”

“The doctor,” she began. “But I suppose he’s gone…” She felt tears well up at that revelation. “Are you sure?”

The doctor nodded when she turned to face him, and she closed her eyes and sighed, feeling a tear roll down her cheek. She’d heard of him; he was a good man.

“Well, I remember hearing of him. I remember Tuvok, my chief of security. I remember…” Kathryn suddenly stopped, covering her mouth as she felt tears fall down her face again. “I don’t know. I can’t remember anything past that. It’s all blank…” She remembered what the doctor had said, and her heart moved from her throat to her stomach. “Delta Quadrant...that’s so far from home…”

“Yes,” the doctor confirmed. “But you’ve gotten us quite a ways closer to home already.”

“Me?” she gasped. “I...I just got here.”

The doctor finally sighed deeply, gripping the sides of the biobed. “Captain...you’ve been on this ship for five years. You were in a crash with Commander - “

“That’s enough,” Kathryn managed to choke out, throwing an arm over her eyes. “I can’t...no more. Not today.”

The doctor nodded. “Alright. Then will you allow me to tell you your injuries?” Kathryn nodded, and she laid back with her eyes shut tight as the doctor began his report. Two cracked ribs, both decently healed, a torn leg muscle, multiple cuts and abrasions, and a nasty head injury. She’d fallen in a shuttle accident - which, of course, she had no memory of - and split her skull at the base of her neck, sustaining a massive concussion and, apparently, some form of amnesia.

Kathryn sat still, tears streaming down her face as he administered various hyposprays and treatments, her resolve slowly cracking. She was tens of thousands of lightyears from home, from Mollie, from Mark, from her entire family, and she couldn’t remember the last five years. She didn’t remember her crew, this man, or why she was even in sickbay in the first place. The only reason she sat back and let the doctor perform his duties as she couldn’t fight him back; she could barely stand up, let alone fight anyone.

Once he backed off, she started to feel the second round of painkillers kick in. He pulled the sheet up over her as her consciousness drifted. “Please try and relax. We can talk about it again when you wake up; you stressed your already injured leg muscle and your headache tells me you’re not ready to be woken up yet; you need time to heal. We will talk when you’re ready, Captain Janeway.”

Captain Janeway. The phrase stuck in her head as she felt her eyes grow heavy, wondering briefly what the doctor had meant when he mentioned a ‘commander’ with her on the ship. She supposed she’d find out when she awoke, and she finally allowed her body to relax and drift into sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I promise this is a happy fic, y'all, it just has some bumpy bits. It's angsty, but it gets better. Let me know what you think of this first chapter!! More to come very soon, I hope. :D


End file.
